A Lesson in Self-Love and Moving On
It’s been five years since I divorced my ex-husband, Ben. We were married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids. Even after our split, we managed to keep things friendly for the sake of the kids. We co-parented well, and despite our differences, we remained best friends.
We got divorced because we wanted different things in life, not because of a nasty fight. Our divorce wasn’t bitter; we just grew apart. Even now, people are surprised by how well we get along.
Recently, we celebrated our eldest child’s 16th birthday. Ben has been dating someone new, a woman named Lisa, for about four months. When he asked if he could bring her to the dinner, I agreed. I wanted to meet her and hoped she was a good person since she would be spending time around my children.
At the party, I finally met Lisa. She was friendly, kind, and eager to make a good impression. She genuinely tried to connect with me by asking about the kids and their school activities. I appreciated her effort.
Throughout the evening, I noticed how attentive Lisa was to Ben. It made me realize something I hadn’t during our marriage. Ben had never been that attentive to me. I tried to ignore the uneasy feeling and focused on the kids.
During dinner, my eldest handed me a birthday card from Ben. It caught me off guard because my birthday was months ago. Ben had never been the type to remember birthdays, anniversaries, or special occasions. During our marriage, I handled everything related to holidays and celebrations. It never bothered me then—I had accepted that it was just who he was.
Lisa noticed my surprise. I assumed she made him buy the card, but then she started giving me funny looks throughout the night. I didn’t understand why, so I kept my distance from her for the rest of the evening.
Later that night, Lisa sent me a text. She explained that she got my number from Ben and hoped I didn’t mind. Her message said: “I need to ask you something, and I hope you don’t think it’s weird.”
Curious, I replied, “What’s up?”
She asked if Ben’s forgetfulness about special occasions was something that could change. “I just need to know if he ever improves when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it if it’s something that won’t change,” she said.
I stared at my phone, feeling a mix of emotions. Part of me wanted to warn her that Ben would never change because it was something I had grown used to during our marriage. Another part of me felt like it wasn’t my place to interfere.
Finally, I replied, “Honestly, I can’t say if he’ll change or not. It’s something you’ll have to figure out together. But it was nice meeting you.”
Months later, Ben called me out of the blue. He sounded frustrated. “Lisa and I broke up,” he said.
“What happened?” I asked.
“She kept making a big deal about birthdays and anniversaries. I told her it’s not something I care about, and she just wouldn’t let it go,” he said angrily. “She kept complaining, and when I forgot our anniversary, she left.”
I took a deep breath before responding. “Ben, did she ever tell you that special occasions were important to her?” I asked.
He was silent for a moment. “Yeah, she mentioned it a few times. But you never made a big deal about it, so I figured it wasn’t that important.”
“That’s why we divorced, Ben,” I said calmly. “You never cared about what was important to me. Just because I stopped asking doesn’t mean it didn’t matter.”
Ben didn’t say much after that. We ended the call, but his words stuck with me. I realized that Lisa and I had experienced the same problem with Ben. The difference was, she was brave enough to leave when her needs weren’t met.
A few days later, I bumped into Lisa at the grocery store. She looked tired but smiled when she saw me. “Hey, how are you?” she asked.
“I’m good. How about you?” I replied.
“I’ve been better,” she admitted. “Ben and I broke up.”
“I know,” I said gently. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”
Lisa sighed. “I couldn’t keep feeling like I wasn’t important. I tried to explain it to him, but he just didn’t care.”
“I understand,” I said, feeling a deep sense of empathy for her. “You deserve someone who values you and makes you feel appreciated.”
“Thanks,” she replied with a sad smile. “I guess I hoped he could change.”
“Change is hard for some people,” I said. “But don’t lose hope. You’ll find someone who values you for who you are.”
We parted ways, and I felt a sense of closure. Lisa’s struggles reminded me of my own experiences with Ben. But it also made me realize how much I had grown since our marriage ended. I had learned to value myself and accept that I deserved more than what Ben was willing to give.
That evening, I sat down with my children and talked about their father. I wanted them to understand that while he had his flaws, he loved them deeply. We laughed about his forgetfulness and shared stories from the past.
I reflected on everything and felt a deep sense of peace. I had moved on from the hurt and disappointment, and I was finally ready to embrace whatever the future held. Lisa deserved happiness, just like I did. And I knew she would find it one day.
It wasn’t about birthdays or anniversaries. It was about finding someone who truly valued and appreciated you. I knew now that I had found peace within myself, and that was more than enough.
As I looked at my children, I felt grateful for the love and joy they brought into my life. We had our ups and downs, but we were a family, and that’s what mattered most. And as for Ben, I hoped he would eventually learn to value the important things in life.
For now, I was happy. I had my kids, good friends, and a sense of calm I hadn’t felt in years. And that was more than enough.
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